In Which a Brilliant Plot Goes Horribly Wrong
by radical-rebel
Summary: One shot. SBRL. Sirius is plotting, Remus is oblivious, and things get out of hand. The title is referring to a scheme, not a storyline, although the latter might work too. It's slash, obviously, so if you don't like it, don't read it.


_A/N: In case people haven't noticed, this just so happens to be my third Sirius/Remus one-shot in the past few days. My explanation is, I'm on Midwinter Break, and I have a lot of time on my hands. More like I don't sleep. Except for when the lack of sleep catches up on me and I sleep for 12 hours. I have such a bizarre sleep schedule. Anyways, on to the story. _

_It's a Sirius/Remus one-shot, like I said before. Sirius's POV. Sirius is plotting, Remus is oblivious, and then things go wrong. It was a lot of fun to write, actually. My title has nothing to do with an actual plot (storyline), but more of the fact that Sirius is attempting to plot (scheme). Obviously, it's slash. Don't read it if you're just going to hate it and leave a nasty review. Flames are quite a waste of time. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!!!! Except for Sirius's insane schemes; those are all the product of my sleep-deprived mind, folks. But I don't any of the things that I make allusions to in said schemes. A cookie for you if you can point out the movie one._

* * *

Before we begin our little tale here, I have a confession to make. That is that I, Sirius Black, am in love with one Remus Lupin. Truly, madly, and deeply; completely; one hundred percent. He is the one man that I could never live without. The key that unlocks my heart. The Juliet to my Romeo. Except that I'm not that much of a player. I mean honestly, that whole thing with Rosaline? What the hell was that anyway?

Ok, so maybe I'm over-exaggerating a tiny bit. So what? I've been known to do that once and a while. Alright, I usually exaggerate. Fine, I exaggerate nearly twenty-four seven. Regardless, the point is that I am in love with Remus, and he doesn't know it yet.

More like Moony's too impossibly slow to realize that I've been throwing myself at him for weeks now. Seriously, do I have to walk up and shove my tongue down his throat for him to finally realize that I like him? I kind of hope not. As much as I wouldn't mind a romp with him, that sort of situation would be relatively awkward, considering that I haven't got a clue if he returns my feelings or not.

See, there's a special operation in progress: Operation Figure Out If Remus Likes Sirius. And right now, said operation isn't going so well. I began it a few weeks ago, when the fact that I was in love with my best friend decided to hit me over the head. Of course, I've never been one to hide my emotions from anyone. But then, I don't take rejection very well either. So I came up with a brilliant plan. In fact, it's most brilliant of brilliant plans that you ever brilliantly heard. I flirt with Moony in order to ascertain his feelings for me (I learned the big word from Moony himself). I know; brilliant, isn't it? That's what I thought.

But I hadn't counted on one thing, and that was that Remus wouldn't catch on. How thick can he get? I literally hang all over him. I use any excuse to touch him; I say suggestive things and hope he'll catch my drift; I try to prompt him into letting something, anything, slip. Nothing works. It's like he's purposefully ignoring everything I do. It's like I'm banging on his door shouting "Moony, I adore you!" and he's humming a tune to himself while going about his business as usual.

Alright, well maybe not. But I am being pretty darn upfront about this. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the smartest Marauder isn't really as smart as he seems to be. He's ruining the outcome of Operation FOIRLS, for God's sake! Maybe a well-placed diary entry about how much I'm pining for him would-

"Hey Pads, what's up?"

Do you mind, James? I'm attempting to plot here.

"Not too much Jimmy, you?"

James grimaced. "How many times have I told you not to call me that?"

"Two thousand, five hundred and seventy two," I informed him.

"And how many more times will I have to tell you?"

"Oh, a good fourteen hundred and nine."

"Damn," he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Well lucky for him, I was in a good mood. "Alright Prongs, what do you want?"

"I'm bored," he whined, falling back grandly on the couch where we were sitting. And people call _me_ dramatic?

I resisted the urge to tell him to bugger off, as I was busy scheming. "Why don't you go find Lily-flower and snog the pants off of her?"

James looked at me as though I had sprouted a second head. "Do you want me to live to graduate seventh year?"

"Ok, never mind," I said defensively.

"What I meant," he continued, acting like he hadn't heard me. "Was that we haven't pranked anybody in weeks! I'm dying of boredom; we have to do something exciting. Maybe we could drop something explosive in one of Snape's potions during class."

"Haven't you sworn off Marauding?" I asked. "Didn't you say just last month that we couldn't pull any more pranks, because you're trying to show Lily that you can be a good little boy?"

"But I can't handle it anymore," he moaned. "Lily won't find out if nobody tells her, right? We slip something in Snivellus's potion and make it look like it was _his_ mistake. That way she won't suspect anything, and we still get to piss off Snivellus."

I glanced down my nose at my spectacled friend. "Prongs, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Only then can the road to recovery begin."

James reacted more violently then I thought he would. I rubbed my arm gingerly; dang, that boy hits hard.

"Alright, fine," I agreed. "I suppose one prank wouldn't hurt. Do you have the materials for this one?"

"Leave it to me," he beamed. "I'm going to go see if Moony's in on this."

Finally. Peace and quiet. Now, back to plotting I go. I suppose a diary entry might be a bit clichéd. Not to mention, it would make me look like a total prat; Sirius Black does not write in a _diary_. A journal, maybe. But only when the occasion calls for it.

Perhaps I could get James to help me smuggle some firewhiskey into the school. Then I could get extremely plastered and come clean to Moony under the influence. But then again, if I was that smashed I might not remember that I was supposed to tell Moony anything. I'd just wake up with a huge hangover for nothing.

Ok, so here's the plan: I buy a load of yarn, find a bunch of house elves from the kitchens, and convince them to teach me to knit-

"Hey Padfoot."

Damnation, I've been foiled again.

"Hi Wormtail."

"So, have you done that essay for transfiguration yet? I started trying to work on it in the library earlier, and I don't get it at all. Although that might be because of this couple near the Restricted Section that was snogging really loudly and making it hard to focus on anything. But anyway, I think it's really unfair of McGonagall to give us an essay on something she only started teaching us a few days ago. Don't you?"

I stared at him. "Pete, don't you know me by now? Is it the night before the essay's due?" Peter shook his head slowly. "Then why would I even bother working on it now?'

Peter cocked his head to one side, as if thinking. "Point taken," he finally nodded. "I guess I'll go see if James knows anything; he's more likely to pay attention in class than you are."

I am mortally offended. I do too pay attention in class. When I feel like it.

Well, back to Operation FOIRLS. I could borrow a hippogriff from Hagrid, fly it up to the window of our dorm while Moony's studying, and recite love poems to him through the open window. But wait, how would the window be open? Unless I were to open it before he entered the room. But what if he closed it without realizing that he was spoiling my plan again? Ok, forget that idea; too many what ifs.

Maybe I'll find one of those Muggle radios, stand down on the grounds, and play a love song really loud – loud enough that he can hear it up in Gryffindor tower... no, that's probably been done before. Not to mention, I have no idea how I'd get a radio anyway. I need something original. Something new. Something that'll make Moony so impressed that he'll have no choice but to snog me right then and there. Something-

"Hey Sirius."

NOT AGAIN!

"Hello Frank"

Frank Longbottom looked at me strangely as he sat down. "Is something bothering you? You look kind of annoyed."

No, no, nothing's wrong. I'm peachy keen, actually. I'm not upset because every time I get to scheming I get interrupted. Now why on earth would that bother me?

So maybe I'm a tad bit vexed.

"Nah Frank, everything's fine."

He visibly relaxed. "Oh good. I was starting to get worried."

I don't know how I managed to keep my voice at a regular level, but somehow I did. "Was there something you needed, Frank?"  
"Actually, I wanted a second opinion." His eyes swept around the room as though he was searching for spies, and then he pulled a magazine from behind his back. "So I've made up my mind; I'm going to buy Alice an engagement ring. I've got two that I like in this catalog, but I can't decide which one I should buy. Which one do you think would suit her better, this one here or that one on that page?"

Oh my God, how do I get rid of this guy? "I don't know, Frank, I think they're both nice."

"Well that doesn't help at all. Come on, just pick."

Alright fine, if it'll make you go away. "How about that one?"

Thankfully he didn't notice that I pointed at one of the rings without even looking at the page. "Thanks mate. You know, I think I'll get some other opinions on this. The more the merrier, right?" I nodded briskly, hoping it would shut him up. "Well I'll go look for Peter then. See you later."

Thank you, whoever's up there watching out for me.

Now, where was I? Oh yes: plotting. Well, Moony's fairly romantic; I mean, he reads Wuthering Heights more often than any normal man should. Maybe I could act out a scene from one of those romance books he likes; except that I'll change it around to fit our situation, and then he'll fall madly in love with me like they always do in books like that. Who am I kidding? That's even more ridiculous than the knitting house elves idea! Doing that would reveal the fact that I'm a closet romantic, since I'd have to have read the books to rewrite a scene, and nobody can ever find out about that.

Oh bullocks. You did not just read that.

This isn't good; I'm running out of ideas. Damn you, Remus Lupin. How can you be so adorable and yet so clueless? Isn't there some book that describes the symptoms of someone trying to admit that they're in love? Can't I find it and then accidentally drop it at-

"Hey Black! I have a question for you!"

Whoever was watching out for me two minutes ago... you suck.

"What?" I shrieked furiously, whirling around to see who was pestering me now.

Lily Evans's infamous green eyes were wide as she froze several feet from where I was sitting; she'd obviously been in the process of walking up to me. "Wow Blackie, I don't think I've ever seen you get mad before," she said jokingly.

"Evans," I seethed. "Why are you talking to me?"

"I just wanted to know if you'd seen Potter," she said, still regarding me as though I might implode at any minute. "I heard he was trying to plan another prank. But I guess I'll go find Longbottom, and see if he knows anything."

"Fine. You do that," I responded through my teeth.

When she was gone I began to recite my new favorite mantra over and over in my head: I am calm. I _am_ calm. I **am **calm.

Now let's see. I've tried diaries, alcohol, love poems, Muggle music, and knitting house elves. This is getting me absolutely no where.

Ok Sirius. Close your eyes. Focus. You have to come up with something. Operation FOIRLS has to go on. Sirius Black has never been a quitter, and he's not about to start now. You can do this. You can do this. You can-

"Padfoot?"

It didn't matter that the voice now speaking to me was quiet, calm, and questioning. It didn't matter that it seemed vaguely familiar. I went off the deep end.

"Bloody hell, would you people stop? I'm trying to figure out how to tell Moony that I love him, for crying out loud!"

Silence. Total, agonizing silence. Shit.

I opened one eye a crack. The entire common room was staring at me. Somehow James, Peter, Frank, and Lily had all managed to gather by the portrait hole. Wait. If Lily had wanted to find Frank, and Frank had gone to speak to Wormtail, and Wormtail had been looking for Prongs, and Prongs had been on the hunt for Moony, then Moony had to be...

Ah. Right in front of me. Double shit.

Everyone in the common room started moving at the same minute, heading upstairs to dorms or out the portrait hole to the rest of Hogwarts. I think that may be the fastest I've ever seen the Gryffindor common room cleared out. In less than a minute, I was sitting alone in the room. With Remus sitting across from me.

I think Operation FOIRLS has successfully failed.

Remus was watching me closely, his face slightly paler than usual. He seemed incapable of speech; all he did was gaze at me. Finally, when I thought I might scream from the effect his eyes on my body had on my heart rate, he spoke.

"Were you serious?"

I smirked. Familiar territory. "I'm always Sirius."

A faint smile played at Remus's lips, as though he was reluctant to laugh at my over-used joke. "Of course you are. Now answer my question."

Damn. I guess distracting him isn't going to work. There is a window over there; I don't think it's too far of a fall, if I were to jump out of it...

But the look in Remus's eyes chased away any thought I might have had of running away. I heaved a sigh. All that for nothing. Well, here goes.

"Yeah, I guess I was."

Now Remus broke out into a true smile. "And how was that coming along?"

"Not very well, I must tell you. I was trying to flirt with you at first; it was remarkably like trying to hit on a brick wall, actually. So then I started coming up with idea after idea, but nothing seemed to work. There was the diary, and then the firewhiskey, and then there were the knitting house elves-"

"The what?" Remus sputtered.

I blushed. We're just going to pretend that never happened. "And then everyone seemed determined to bother me! Maybe it was some powerful being trying to tell me that I should never try to plot anything. Oh dang, I guess that means a career in spying is out."

"Sirius?" My adorable Remus was grinning outright now. "Is it possible that you could stop talking for five seconds?"

"Hmm," I pondered. "Sure. Could be possible."

"Good."

Before I knew what had happened, Remus's lips were on mine. Wow. That was unexpected. I mean, there I was ranting about house elves and then he just – oh wow, he's got talent. Maybe I should stop trying to think and – yeah, I'm focusing on Remus now.

By the time we broke apart, Remus and I were clinging to each other and panting heavily.

"So, um, I should probably say what I was trying to figure out how to say in the first place," I mused. Remus ran a hand slowly through my hair; it was very distracting.

"What was that, exactly?" he asked me.

"I love you, Remus."

"I love you too, Sirius."

Alright, let me rephrase what I said earlier: Operation FOIRLS was most definitely successful.

* * *

_A/N: It's done! Hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I did writing it! I think I'm going to try writing some other pairings before I write another Sirius/Remus. Or maybe I'll just keep writing endless Sirius/Remus fluff! Maybe I need a life? Nah, I looked on Ebay and they didn't have any good ones. So anyways, you should totally push that little purple button. Tell me if I made any mistakes, of any kind, and I'll correct them. And if you have a strong opinion on what I should write next, please feel free to tell me. _


End file.
